Jasmine ------
                Assistant Editor in Chief

                I...am...counting...down.
Only 418 days until the next presidential election!  My palms are sweaty, my heart
is racing.  I thought this day would never approach.
Yes, it is more than a year away, but when George Dubya Bush first took office, it
seemed like an eternity!
Do you know what this means?  I only have 418 days to convince someone to buy my made-for-TV movie!  Well, I still need someone to read it; how about you?
Mr. Bush Goes to Washington
Act 1
Scene 1
Washington:  A huge celebration is taking place in front of the White House.
Flannel covered people litter the streets, and helium-filled balloons shaped like cattle
adorn the sky.  The Dixie Chicks fill the air with rich country notes (if that’s possible).
Enter: BUSH
He arrives at the White House, donning a cowboy hat, boots, and that ever-so-charming aloof look on his face.  He looks around, amazed.
BUSH: How did I get here again?  I thought that other guy, what was his name, Bore, won.
Enter: THE TWINS
JENNA:  I’m so much cuter than Chelsea.
BARBARA: Like, I know.
Enter: the FIRST LADY
MRS. BUSH: My head hurts.
Act 1
Scene 2
60 days later...
Bush kicks back in his cow print recliner and thinks to himself.  After recovering
from the pain, he calls in Vice President, Dick Cheney.
BUSH: Hey, Cheney, what do you say to a little more arsenic in the drinking water?
CHENEY:  What?
BUSH: Why don’t we go ahead an’ increase the amount of arsenic to 50 parts per billion, from the 10 parts per billion in Clinton’s plan!  Cheney, you awake?!  Bush apparently gets carried away with slashing environmental policies.  He sits at his desk with a big red crayon, crossing off protection acts.
BUSH:  Now, what in the sam hill is this?  We don’t need to regulate carbon dioxide emissions from power plants!  What’s all this fuss about global warming?  What’s a little heat?  Everywhere should be like Texas!
CHENEY: George-
BUSH:  Oh, be quiet, Cheney!  You know what else we should get rid of?  Salmonella
testing on the beef that goes into federal schools.  Pffft, why do we need that?  (Lets out maniacal laugh).  Beef, it’s what’s for lunch, and dinner, and breakfast, and sometimes a midnight snack!
Act 2
Scene 1
The television is roaring.  Bush is watching a football game alone munching
pretzels, when suddenly....Dun, dun, dun!
BUSH: Ack, groan.  Thump!
Later...
Bush speaks to an onslaught of reporters.
BUSH: Life is like a box of pretzels; if you don’t chew thoroughly before you swallow, you pass out on the floor and your face ends up looking like it’s been through a war.
Fade into darkness.
Act 2
Scene 2
Bush gallops through the White House on his pony-on-a-stick.
CHENEY:  George, we’ve got to get to work.  We don’t want people to think that’s what
you do all day.  Hmm... What should we do?
BUSH: Ooh, ooh!  Tax cuts!  Hey, Cheney, you awake?!
Crayon in hand, Bush scribbles out a tax plan, with the help of others, of course.
The plan is read aloud.
“Eliminate taxes on individulas’ stock dividends, cost $385 billion.  Increase size of child tax credit, cost: $91 billion.  Reduce top four individula interest rates, cost: $64 billion.  Increase tax break for married couples, cost: $58 billion.  Raise income tax limit for lowest 10 percent tax bracket, cost $48 billion.” Source: US Treasure Department.
DEMOCRATS: We’re outraged!  This favors the rich.
FORTUNE 500 COMPANIES:  We really benefit from this.  We could save $695
billion!
Act 3
Scene 1
It is 45 days after September 11, 2001 has passed, and action must be taken to protect our country.  Bush starts to ponder.
BUSH: Hey, Cheney?  Do you ‘spose we should do somethin’ about all that bad stuff?
CHENEY: Yes, of course.
BUSH: I’ve got an idea.
CHENEY: Are you sure?  The last time you said that, you just had to go to the bathroom.
BUSH: Well, let’s take away people’s rights.
CHENEY: OK, where are you going with this?  I know, let’s make a bill called the USA PATRIOT ACT.  It will stand for Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism.
BUSH: No, I have a better idea.   Let’s make a bill called the USA PATRIOT ACT.  It will stand for Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism.
CHENEY: Wow, where did that come from?  You’re so clever!  America will love it!
BUSH: Investigators can install phone and computer taps without the suspects’ knowledge.  Federal agencies can monitor what kinds of books people check out at the library.  Ooh, ooh, this is the greatest!  Let’s arrest people if they look guilty and not tell them what for!  We don’t need a reason; it’s for the safety of our countr...Cheney, you
awake?!
As a result: over 8,000 Arab and South Asian immigrants have been interrogated because
of their faith or ethnicity.  Source: www.aclu.org.
Act 4
Scene 1
The final scene.  Bush lies soundly asleep in his footie pajamas clenching his stuffed bull, when suddenly Cheney shakes him.  Bush wakes up, startled.
BUSH: Wha-?  What’s going on?
CHENEY: George, it’s time to go home.
BUSH:  You mean I slept through the entire four years?  I didn’t even get to see the Oval Office!
Fade to black.  Cue, weird ‘80s music.